Human

Lately I've been trying to fool myself. You would think I would know myself a little better but obviously that's not the case.
I guess I thought that if I acted happy or filled my days & nights with other thoughts or activites that I'd be over my issues. It seems as though this tactic that usually works for me isn't going to be as easy this time. I mean don't get me wrong I can still flirt endlessly but anymore than that I just can't do it.

I hate not being able to control it. I absolutely hate how I feel. I completely hate that this snuck up on me. I never saw it coming. In the morning I'll wake up & be angry that I even felt this way. That I even wrote about it. If this post makes it a week I'll be shocked. I'll wind up deleting it. I'm so angry that I allowed myself to get so upset over it that I wrote about it here instead of in my private journal.
The bottom line is I did this. I created something out of nothing. And I hate that. I feel horrible. I feel unconsolable. My heart hurts.

A prize idiot. That would be me. It's not like I'm that young that I don't know better. This is what kills me. I am not this person. I don't do this, I don't allow it.

In a previous post I went on and on about putting yourself out there & having no regrets. I went on about not being able to taste the sweet without the sour. That it was worth it. Obviously I'm not feeling that right now. I'm thinking I'd prefer doing what I usually do. Have a good time & not allowing anything or anyone the access to me. To who I really am. But the thing is, you don't know you truly have till it's too late. When you think of it that's no way to live either. Ask me if I care at this very moment.

I'm not saying my life has revolved around this issue. My lifes gone on, I've been happy here & there but these feelings I've pushed way down seem to pop to the surface occasionally. Without any sign or warning. How do I stop them? Why is it this time it's affected me? Surely someones got the answers. Isn't there a book out there that explains how to deal with this ridiculous thing that I'm going through? Some type of a manual that says how long it'll take.
When is it done? How many stages are there? I mean there's the lying to yourself, the saddness, the anger, then back to saddness. There's more isn't there? I was told that it lingers back & forth from time to time until it fades away. That's fine & I get it hasn't been that long but these things usually don't phaze me even this long. Not to say I'm cold hearted, but I just don't get like this & I hate it. I have absolutely no control over my feelings.

Thing is I'm not regretful either, & I may be angry but mostly I'm just hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this? How do I fix my fractured heart? I'm so sick of putting on a happy face, so sick of pretending like nothing ever bothers me. I'm the one everyone admires because nothing ever bothers me. One of my closest friends says I'm more of a guy then he is. This is total crap.
One thing I am is a genius at hiding my feelings, even from myself. Some will say this may be unhealthy but to me it's self preservation. Again let me stress the person I'm most angry with is myself due to these facts. People dissapoint me and I'm a big girl I can handle it. I'm strong & I will get past it. I just don't understand why it has to hurt so much. How do these girls who are open to this do this over and over?

"Love grows in me like a tumor, parasite bent on devouring it's host. Love plows through me like a dozer, I've got more give than a bale of hay. I'm having some trouble just breathing. I'm running out of places to hide. What the fuck was I thinking?"