Friday, July 31, 2009


"'s hard to wait around for something you know might never happen....but it's even harder to give up when you know it's everything you want...."


Well this hasn't happened in awhile- 4:15am & I'm wide awake. No idea what time I fell asleep, just woke up about 45 minutes ago & here I am. Not stressed or upset by anything, insomnia must have missed me a bit.

Haven't had a chance lately to really catch up on my feelings lately. So I guess now is as good as time as any.

Lately I've had this excited feeling about new things in my life. Such as? Well new friendships that have gotten stronger, more meaningful. My Twitter experience is that of a positive one in this case.
I do believe I joined in February & since then I've cultivated several different types of relationships on there. From long lasting friendships to ones that maybe almost were.
Another thing I've noticed about Twitter is that I've got quite a few friends who have formed romantic relationships there. It's kind of bizarre how many I've heard of. Myself I've had some experience there but that's private. Perhaps another time & place.

Regardless I'm glad that I decided to check out Twitter. Now I'm addicted damn it. :)

Phone call now from one of my best friends, whom I met through Twitter by the way.....LOL!

~I need my conscience to keep watch over me to protect me from myself.~

Thursday, July 30, 2009

American Dreaming

Ahh the Dirty Martini, my favorite beverage right now. Yum. Once a week I have atleast one of these delicious bad boys.
What they say about them is so right-

~One is too few, two is perfect, 3 is too many~

Tell her this..

Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her something in my mind freezes up from time to time

Tell her not to cry
I just got scared thats all
Tell her Ill be by her side, all she has to do is call

Tell her the chips are down
I drank too much and shouted it aloud
Tell her something in my heart
Needs her more than even clowns need the laughter of the crowd

Tell her what was wrong
I sometimes think to much
But say nothing at all
And tell her from this high terrain, I am ready now to fall

Tell her not to go
I aint holding on no more
Tell her nothing if not this; all I want to do is kiss her

Tell her something in my mind
Freezes up from time to time.

Wednesday, July 29, 2009

Nothing compares to you...

"...since you took your love away, since you been gone I can do whatever I want..
...I can put my arms around every boy I see
It'll only remind me of you..."

These lyrics are great, how many times over the years I've listened to this song during heartbreak. Heartbreak or not, when I come by it every once in awhile I listen to the melancholy in the lyrics & still love this song.

Until the end of the world

In the garden I was playing the tart
I kissed your lips and
Broke your heart

Sunday, July 26, 2009

Monday, July 20, 2009

Next in line

Remember that not getting what you want is sometimes a wonderful stroke of luck.


Audrey Tautou usually plays a woman filled with hope no matter what situation she seems to be in. I remember I used to be like that. Not saying I don't have hope, but not like I used to. I'm more skeptical now.
I think I may go back to that way of thinking.....

Why not?

Sunday, July 19, 2009

If I had a photograph...

Girls on film

The other night at about 430am I watched a late 60's swingn London scene film called BlowUp. David Hennessy had his 1st lead role in this film. This film is like a peace of pop art come alive. Lots of cameo's too. It's star David Hennessy is very alluring. Take a peak if you ever get the chance.

Heart of Mine

Do you want to know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold
I see in your hair
I feel it could be there
Somehow, tonight

And do you want to find
Something worth saving
The change would do me right
Cause I've been just waiting
And hesitating
With this heart of mine

You're still a mystery
But there's something so easy
In how you're sweet to me
I feel completed
Like it's something I needed
For this heart of mine

There's always something so tragic
About a hopeless romantic

So though we cannot know
If everything glittering
Will turn into the gold
I'm through with waiting
And hesitating
I want you taking
This heart of mine

Saturday, July 18, 2009


I don't need an ice cream cone.

"What's an ice cream cone? You know.
Here's a little something to make you happy.
Something sweet that melts in five minutes.
I'm completely cool with anything you want to say or not say.
I don't need it. "

Friday, July 17, 2009

jane says

jane says i've never been in love - no
she don't know what it is
she only knows if someone wants her
"i only want 'em if they want me,..."


Sometimes to realize you were well, someone must come along and hurt you. ~Perry Ferrell~

Thursday, July 16, 2009

Someone save my life tonight

Tonight I met out some friends that I haven seen in ages. It was great to see them, Made me realize how fast time flys.
How easy it is to miss some of the little things. And it's the little things that some how mean the most in our memories.

Life is what happens while you are making other plans. ~ John Lennon

Constant Craving

Let Go...

My hearts in the right place. I know, 'cuz I hid it there. ~ Carrie Fisher ~

Tuesday, July 14, 2009

Sweetness Follows

It's these little things, they can pull you under. Live your life filled with joy and wonder. I always knew this altogether thunder was lost in our little lives.

Monday, July 13, 2009

When I Grow Up

Another patient at work asked why I wasn't married. That I should cause "tick tock" clock is ticking. Please. I could've gotten married but I'd of been divorced by now.
My mother believes at least then I could've at least said I was married. That's just ridiculous.

Hey I'm 35, yes I'd like to get married but I refuse to settle. As for my "clock" --I've only really wanted one child & women are having babies when they're in their early 40's.

I'm tired of how it's people view a single man my age as being in a mid-life crisis and women as being spinsters. Again...ridiculous.

When I was little it's true I dreamed of my wedding day & I still do, ideas of it have changed over the years as I've aged. But I still want that. One day Prince Charming will call, text, email, Twitter, or Facebook me. Things have changed, & so have the conceptions of when we should marry & who we should. It's the way of the world. Change is inevitable.
So to those folks who look at me in shock that I have no children yet..time to move on & worry about your unhappy marriages.

Cause when it happens for this girl, it'll happen forever.

"All I'm saying is that somewhere out there is the man you are supposed to marry. And if you don't get him first, somebody else will, and you'll have to spend the rest of your life knowing that somebody else is married to your husband"
~Marie from When Harry Met Sally~

Sunday, July 12, 2009


I had posted this earlier with my blog post titled -I will possess your heart- & while editing it I seemed to remove this.
I love it because it's sexy, strong & bold.

Dancing Barefoot

She is benediction
She is addicted to he
She is the root connection and
She is connecting with me

Here I go and I don't know why
I spin so ceaselessly
Could it be he's taking over me

I'm dancing barefoot
Headed for a spin
Some strange music drags me in
It makes me come up like some heroine

She is sublimation
She is the essence of thee
She is concentrating on
He who is chosen by she

Here I go when I don't know why
I spin so ceaselessly
Could it be he's taking over me

I'm dancing barefoot
Headed for a spin
Some strange music drags me in
It makes me come up like some heroine

She is recreation
She intoxicated by thee
She has the slow sensation that
He is levitating with she

Here I go when I don't know why
I spin so ceaselessly
'Til I lose my sense of gravity

I'm dancing barefoot
Heading for a spin
Some strange music drives me on
Makes me come up like some heroine

O God I feel for you ......

Saturday, July 11, 2009

I Will Possess Your Heart

Womanliness - that which has caused kingdoms to change hands, tragedies to unfold and fortunes to be won and lost - is a potent force. From Cleopatra to Princess Diana, Helen of Troy to the Duchess of Windsor, many have cast a spell over their societies and changed the course of history simply by being aware of the hypnotic power of woman.

Sexual potency is an incredible force.
A woman who knows her power has in her hands the key to her own happiness and success. The moment she discovers her sexual power can be dangerous but also exciting.

When it works, the magic is like nothing else. More recently, the newspapers have charted the courtship between the French president, Nicolas Sarkozy, and the beautiful model Carla Bruni. She was irresistible to him, and their marriage created a powerful new couple, greater, perhaps, than the sum of its parts. I wonder if Sarkozy knows this Raymond Chandler line? “She gave me a smile I could feel in my hip pocket.” If he doesn’t, he surely knows the feeling. Is there a man alive who doesn’t?

Excerpt from From The Sunday Times
June 1, 2008 by Raffealla Barker

Friday, July 10, 2009

The way I am

I'm a woman! We don't say what we WANT! But we reserve the right to get pissed off if we don't get it. That's what makes us so fascinating! ...And not a little bit scary. ;)

The Great Beyond

Andy Warhol: I wonder what they'll say about you... in your obituary. I like that word.

Edie Sedgwick: Nothing nice, I don't think.

Andy Warhol: No no, come on. They'd say, "Edith Minturn Sedgwick: beautiful artist and actress...

Edie Sedgwick: ...and all around loon.

Andy Warhol: ...Remembered for setting the world on fire...

Edie Sedgwick: ...and escaping the clutches of her terrifying family...

Andy Warhol: ...Made friends with eeeeverybody, and anybody...

Edie Sedgwick: ...creating chaos and uproar wherever she went. Divorced as many times as she married, she leaves only good wishes behind. That's nice isn't it?

*from Factory Girl*

Fix You

Edie Segwick, she was part of Andy Warhols pack who hung out at The Factory. Edie was the essential party girl in that she came from money so if she wanted to party, everyone was. On her tab. She was a trust fund baby who met Andy at a party with a friend from college who was also an actor. Everyone loved her, mostly because they loved how she made people feel about themselves.

Her star rose fast among the others & was soon Andys latest & greatest. She was his best friend & his lil pet project. The goal of his project was to make Edie a star. Warhol put Edie in his films, people loved her style. She was envied by the art world. She was on Andys arm at every art & fashion event. She was right where so many would have died to be at. She knew it & thrived there.

But like some of Warhols other projects he grew tired of her. Her issues which included a lack of money started to be a burden to the gang at The Factory. Keep in mind her fortune was mostly spent on their lavish lifestyle. Everyone took part in spending her fortune. All of her pain & depression couldn't be held down anymore. Soon the fun party girl was history & she was a sad heavy drinker who looked alot like someone who used to famous once.

Eventually Edie died, a broken heart maybe.
She was someone who was such a shining star among their elite group. But no one really knew that she insecure & sad. Not till it was over.

I've always been fascinated by Edie Segwick. It's due to her ability of always putting on the face of the fun girl. Never letting people know when she wasn't happy. Always fun & ready for a good time. Stylish, got everything she desired.
Don't get me wrong I've never been to her extreme. But as I'm sure I've stated before I'm a master at putting on the party girl face despite how I may be feeling.
For me she's a reminder to let others in. Some may not stick but the ones that do will be there for life. No matter how happy or sad you can be.

So let's raise our glasses to Edie
~thanks for letting us in your adventure!~

Thursday, July 9, 2009

Breaking the girl

Be not ashamed, women—your privilege encloses the rest, and is the exit of the rest;
You are the gates of the body, and you are the gates of the soul.

The female contains all qualities, and tempers them—she is in her place, and moves with perfect balance;
She is all things duly veil’d—she is both passive and active

~Leaves of Grass by Walt Whitman~

Tuesday, July 7, 2009

Sabrina Fair

By the rushy-fring├Ęd bank,
Where grows the Willow and the Osier dank,
My sliding Chariot stayes,
Thick set with Agat, and the azurn sheen
Of Turkis blew, and Emrauld green
That in the channell strayes,
Whilst from off the waters fleet
Thus I set my printless feet
O're the Cowslips Velvet head,
That bends not as I tread,
Gentle swain at thy request
I am here.

~John Milton~


"I never meant to cause you sorrow or pain"
~John Lennon

Monday, July 6, 2009

I wanna be adored...

Feeling a little saucey today. Hope you are too!

Sunday, July 5, 2009

Electric Feel

I've got instant feelings when I look at these black & white photos. I love taking black & whites, am starting to get back in to this great hobby of mine.

*by the way, 2 of those are mine*




Who's gonna ride your wild horses

"Your Dangerous, you don't know what you want"
I've got a friend who says this song reminds him of me. I listened to the lyrics, instead of just singing them & he was right in some ways. Isn't it amazing how songs seem to change their meaning over the years? The way our lives change the meaning of our favorite songs. The music seem to change right along with us. I always like to say "this one would be in the soundtrack of my life". This song would definately be in mine.
Music is a very important of part of who I am. I mean I'm always listening. I wake up & on goes the music. Car, work, when I shower, etc, etc. Hell even as I write this post, I'm listening.
I have playlists set on my iPod depending on my moods.
I'm pretty lucky to have been raised in a house with a love of music. You know I once knew a girl who said she didn't like The Beatles. After some conversation I realized it was because she wasn't really around their music or any music for that matter. How unfortunate for that broad. Yes, she was a broad too. Eh well, her loss.

Well on to this weekend---I didn't have to see all three ex's this weekend. But the one I was the least concerned about was the one I didn't see. Go figure. The other two? Mr be my "side salad" had some brief conversation with me but basically pouted in the corner & slipped out of the party early. By no means is it because he needs me or wants's due to the lack of attention. Atleast there wasn't an argument. We had some wicked fights. The other I had a blast with, he's hilarious which is actually where my initial attraction came from. But I did manage to get out before I was put in a bad situation. Or it was uncomfortable. I think we've reached that point where we can be friends. I am really jazzed about this.

So overall wasn't a bad weekend, nothing too thrilling. No drama either. The 4th is over which means the rest if the summer will fly by.
Wonder what else this year will bring my life?
I leave this post with the quote from this song that is usually the most appropriate. Not a cut down really, I know my strengths & weaknesses.
It's just that I'm just really clumsy. ;)

"Your an accident waiting to happen"

Friday, July 3, 2009

Barcelona is calling

Is it like today?

So here I am, taking a break before getting ready for the day. Its 3pm so obviously I'm having trouble getting motivated for the day. Listening to some great tunes, just relaxing. ALMOST wishing that I could blow off this party today. But I can't exactly let down my fans...ha! I'm ridiculous.

Thursday, July 2, 2009

Like a Friend

So here it is the last day of my work week. Thank you lord. What a week, what a last couple of weeks. A couple of ups and downs, well mostly downs. Anyway I am looking forward to this weekend, despite the little glitches in each activity.

Glitches you may ask. What sort of glitches?
This weekend is gonna be much like The Christmas Carol, I will be visited by my ex-boyfriends. To be exact 3 that I know of. Friday is the parade & there is a party at my friends fathers house because he lives on the main road that the parade passes. Regardless I used to date her brother & rarely have to see him but I made promises & apparently he did to. No big deal, not a concern. We get along great.
Saturday one of my nearest & dearest pals are having a big shindig with major fireworks, paintball wars...the whole shabang. At this little event, (little by no means)I will be around two ex's. TWO. Both friends. Good lord, that should be fun.
Actually what will happen is that I will drink a little too much & to get rid of any little uncomfortable feeling I have. Then I will wind up fending off both of them seperately as they profess their feelings for me.
Now don't think I'm bragging here. These two are by no means winners. One is slobbering idiot when he's had cocktails and was a complete moron when you got to know him. The other is newly married & a complete pig insistent that I should be his little side salad for a couple of stolen moments here & there. Cause he misses me so much. Stolen moments my ass.
*Side note, it may sound like trash talk about these two, but if they were here right now they would completely agree & laugh*

Don't misunderstand not all of my past boyfriends are this moronic & scum like, its just these two are at the top of the list & just so happens that I will be encountering them both in one night. Super.
But they are fun until they reach that drunken spot. Maybe I could get out before the ridiculous crap starts happening. ;)

Wednesday, July 1, 2009


Lately I've been trying to fool myself. You would think I would know myself a little better but obviously that's not the case.
I guess I thought that if I acted happy or filled my days & nights with other thoughts or activites that I'd be over my issues. It seems as though this tactic that usually works for me isn't going to be as easy this time. I mean don't get me wrong I can still flirt endlessly but anymore than that I just can't do it.

I hate not being able to control it. I absolutely hate how I feel. I completely hate that this snuck up on me. I never saw it coming. In the morning I'll wake up & be angry that I even felt this way. That I even wrote about it. If this post makes it a week I'll be shocked. I'll wind up deleting it. I'm so angry that I allowed myself to get so upset over it that I wrote about it here instead of in my private journal.
The bottom line is I did this. I created something out of nothing. And I hate that. I feel horrible. I feel unconsolable. My heart hurts.

A prize idiot. That would be me. It's not like I'm that young that I don't know better. This is what kills me. I am not this person. I don't do this, I don't allow it.

In a previous post I went on and on about putting yourself out there & having no regrets. I went on about not being able to taste the sweet without the sour. That it was worth it. Obviously I'm not feeling that right now. I'm thinking I'd prefer doing what I usually do. Have a good time & not allowing anything or anyone the access to me. To who I really am. But the thing is, you don't know you truly have till it's too late. When you think of it that's no way to live either. Ask me if I care at this very moment.

I'm not saying my life has revolved around this issue. My lifes gone on, I've been happy here & there but these feelings I've pushed way down seem to pop to the surface occasionally. Without any sign or warning. How do I stop them? Why is it this time it's affected me? Surely someones got the answers. Isn't there a book out there that explains how to deal with this ridiculous thing that I'm going through? Some type of a manual that says how long it'll take.
When is it done? How many stages are there? I mean there's the lying to yourself, the saddness, the anger, then back to saddness. There's more isn't there? I was told that it lingers back & forth from time to time until it fades away. That's fine & I get it hasn't been that long but these things usually don't phaze me even this long. Not to say I'm cold hearted, but I just don't get like this & I hate it. I have absolutely no control over my feelings.

Thing is I'm not regretful either, & I may be angry but mostly I'm just hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this? How do I fix my fractured heart? I'm so sick of putting on a happy face, so sick of pretending like nothing ever bothers me. I'm the one everyone admires because nothing ever bothers me. One of my closest friends says I'm more of a guy then he is. This is total crap.
One thing I am is a genius at hiding my feelings, even from myself. Some will say this may be unhealthy but to me it's self preservation. Again let me stress the person I'm most angry with is myself due to these facts. People dissapoint me and I'm a big girl I can handle it. I'm strong & I will get past it. I just don't understand why it has to hurt so much. How do these girls who are open to this do this over and over?

"Love grows in me like a tumor, parasite bent on devouring it's host. Love plows through me like a dozer, I've got more give than a bale of hay. I'm having some trouble just breathing. I'm running out of places to hide. What the fuck was I thinking?"