Peace

Warmth

Who's gonna ride your wild horses

"Your Dangerous, you don't know what you want"
I've got a friend who says this song reminds him of me. I listened to the lyrics, instead of just singing them & he was right in some ways. Isn't it amazing how songs seem to change their meaning over the years? The way our lives change the meaning of our favorite songs. The music seem to change right along with us. I always like to say "this one would be in the soundtrack of my life". This song would definately be in mine.
Music is a very important of part of who I am. I mean I'm always listening. I wake up & on goes the music. Car, work, when I shower, etc, etc. Hell even as I write this post, I'm listening.
I have playlists set on my iPod depending on my moods.
I'm pretty lucky to have been raised in a house with a love of music. You know I once knew a girl who said she didn't like The Beatles. After some conversation I realized it was because she wasn't really around their music or any music for that matter. How unfortunate for that broad. Yes, she was a broad too. Eh well, her loss.

Well on to this weekend---I didn't have to see all three ex's this weekend. But the one I was the least concerned about was the one I didn't see. Go figure. The other two? Mr be my "side salad" had some brief conversation with me but basically pouted in the corner & slipped out of the party early. By no means is it because he needs me or wants me..it's due to the lack of attention. Atleast there wasn't an argument. We had some wicked fights. The other I had a blast with, he's hilarious which is actually where my initial attraction came from. But I did manage to get out before I was put in a bad situation. Or it was uncomfortable. I think we've reached that point where we can be friends. I am really jazzed about this.

So overall wasn't a bad weekend, nothing too thrilling. No drama either. The 4th is over which means the rest if the summer will fly by.
Wonder what else this year will bring my life?
I leave this post with the quote from this song that is usually the most appropriate. Not a cut down really, I know my strengths & weaknesses.
It's just that I'm just really clumsy. ;)

"Your an accident waiting to happen"

Barcelona is calling

Is it like today?

So here I am, taking a break before getting ready for the day. Its 3pm so obviously I'm having trouble getting motivated for the day. Listening to some great tunes, just relaxing. ALMOST wishing that I could blow off this party today. But I can't exactly let down my fans...ha! I'm ridiculous.

Like a Friend

So here it is the last day of my work week. Thank you lord. What a week, what a last couple of weeks. A couple of ups and downs, well mostly downs. Anyway I am looking forward to this weekend, despite the little glitches in each activity.

Glitches you may ask. What sort of glitches?
This weekend is gonna be much like The Christmas Carol, I will be visited by my ex-boyfriends. To be exact 3 that I know of. Friday is the parade & there is a party at my friends fathers house because he lives on the main road that the parade passes. Regardless I used to date her brother & rarely have to see him but I made promises & apparently he did to. No big deal, not a concern. We get along great.
Saturday one of my nearest & dearest pals are having a big shindig with major fireworks, paintball wars...the whole shabang. At this little event, (little by no means)I will be around two ex's. TWO. Both friends. Good lord, that should be fun.
Actually what will happen is that I will drink a little too much & to get rid of any little uncomfortable feeling I have. Then I will wind up fending off both of them seperately as they profess their feelings for me.
Now don't think I'm bragging here. These two are by no means winners. One is slobbering idiot when he's had cocktails and was a complete moron when you got to know him. The other is newly married & a complete pig insistent that I should be his little side salad for a couple of stolen moments here & there. Cause he misses me so much. Stolen moments my ass.
*Side note, it may sound like trash talk about these two, but if they were here right now they would completely agree & laugh*

Don't misunderstand not all of my past boyfriends are this moronic & scum like, its just these two are at the top of the list & just so happens that I will be encountering them both in one night. Super.
But they are fun until they reach that drunken spot. Maybe I could get out before the ridiculous crap starts happening. ;)

Human

Lately I've been trying to fool myself. You would think I would know myself a little better but obviously that's not the case.
I guess I thought that if I acted happy or filled my days & nights with other thoughts or activites that I'd be over my issues. It seems as though this tactic that usually works for me isn't going to be as easy this time. I mean don't get me wrong I can still flirt endlessly but anymore than that I just can't do it.

I hate not being able to control it. I absolutely hate how I feel. I completely hate that this snuck up on me. I never saw it coming. In the morning I'll wake up & be angry that I even felt this way. That I even wrote about it. If this post makes it a week I'll be shocked. I'll wind up deleting it. I'm so angry that I allowed myself to get so upset over it that I wrote about it here instead of in my private journal.
The bottom line is I did this. I created something out of nothing. And I hate that. I feel horrible. I feel unconsolable. My heart hurts.

A prize idiot. That would be me. It's not like I'm that young that I don't know better. This is what kills me. I am not this person. I don't do this, I don't allow it.

In a previous post I went on and on about putting yourself out there & having no regrets. I went on about not being able to taste the sweet without the sour. That it was worth it. Obviously I'm not feeling that right now. I'm thinking I'd prefer doing what I usually do. Have a good time & not allowing anything or anyone the access to me. To who I really am. But the thing is, you don't know you truly have till it's too late. When you think of it that's no way to live either. Ask me if I care at this very moment.

I'm not saying my life has revolved around this issue. My lifes gone on, I've been happy here & there but these feelings I've pushed way down seem to pop to the surface occasionally. Without any sign or warning. How do I stop them? Why is it this time it's affected me? Surely someones got the answers. Isn't there a book out there that explains how to deal with this ridiculous thing that I'm going through? Some type of a manual that says how long it'll take.
When is it done? How many stages are there? I mean there's the lying to yourself, the saddness, the anger, then back to saddness. There's more isn't there? I was told that it lingers back & forth from time to time until it fades away. That's fine & I get it hasn't been that long but these things usually don't phaze me even this long. Not to say I'm cold hearted, but I just don't get like this & I hate it. I have absolutely no control over my feelings.

Thing is I'm not regretful either, & I may be angry but mostly I'm just hurt. What do I do? How do I fix this? How do I fix my fractured heart? I'm so sick of putting on a happy face, so sick of pretending like nothing ever bothers me. I'm the one everyone admires because nothing ever bothers me. One of my closest friends says I'm more of a guy then he is. This is total crap.
One thing I am is a genius at hiding my feelings, even from myself. Some will say this may be unhealthy but to me it's self preservation. Again let me stress the person I'm most angry with is myself due to these facts. People dissapoint me and I'm a big girl I can handle it. I'm strong & I will get past it. I just don't understand why it has to hurt so much. How do these girls who are open to this do this over and over?

"Love grows in me like a tumor, parasite bent on devouring it's host. Love plows through me like a dozer, I've got more give than a bale of hay. I'm having some trouble just breathing. I'm running out of places to hide. What the fuck was I thinking?"